Most of my life I said yes to everything
and faded to the dust of stars
A primal instinct to please, to seek affection - to find security in that social contract
Yes mum. Of course Dad.
At 17 I’d look at my self-deprecation with pride
Jenni Davies will give you the
I wore that nakedness like a badge of honour
Knowing I’d be there if anyone ever needed me
For literally anything
Because that’s the hero I so desperately needed
The nicest girl in all the world.
But niceness is a window and I was a mat
To walk over and through and on
Who’d pick up bar tabs without asking until it was expected
Until friends called to ask favours I wouldn’t dare to ask my mom
Until the sacrifice no one asked me for, burned inside me
Taking chunks of me with it
Once I dated someone I’d have cut out my soul for
I gave him the light inside me until he’d used it all up
An offering he never wanted
Something he never asked for
That was on me.
I didn’t know relationships could come without strings
I believed I was a transaction
That love was bought and paid for with acts of service, money & sex
I overdosed on martyrdom and thought I’d become a saint.
I didn’t know you draw your lines
And people don’t cross them - not because you ask nicely
But because you don’t fucking let them.
My star dust lost its sparkle and turned into mud
But I took that mud and found a sun
I baked that dirt into the foundation of my soul & when I learned to say NO
I was called a bitch
but the lesson I learned is that nice has boundaries too
If you feel empty because you’re giving away your light
you need to understand
You aren’t a fairy godmother
You’re a carpet
and there’s nothing romantic about that.
#powerofno #boundaries #fuckaverage #empowerment